This is a translation from the Russian original, which appeared Saturday, Christmas day, (Russian calendar) on Ms. Simonyan’s personal blog.
The author is the head of the Russian global news network RT.com, sometimes referred to by its old name, ‘Russia Today’, and of the Russian global news agency, ‘Sputnik‘.
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Dear CIA,
You get a total F for this thing you wrote.
You don’t cover the subject in enough detail, some sources are un-named, and those you do name are either out of date, or simply untrue. The whole thing reads like something a schoolboy would write for a homework assignment.
At my KGB high school, you would have been flogged with a birch switch for this kind of incompetence, which, incidentally, is rather painful.
I’m going to have to step in here and give you a little friendly mentoring as you work to correct your mistakes. Let’s start with a few basic facts. These facts are indisputable and heavily documented.
Your assignment is to write out each fact legibly three times in neat handwriting with no mistakes, and not using an eraser.
After the holidays the teacher himself will grade your work!
——
In 2001 at the age of 21 I covered the elections in Crimea. Then, as always, actually, there existed a very strong pro-Russian mood. Ever since that two-week assignment, it never subsided. These facts are indisputable.
My former very serious boyfriend whom I was living with, Andrei Blagodyrenko, runs the Sputnik news agencies in the countries of the former USSR. I offered him the job after we broke up. Under his leadership, Sputnik has become a market leader in those countries. What we have here is scientific proof that Russian propaganda spreads through body fluids. These facts are indisputable.
I met several times with Julian Assange. You can confirm this by checking the security cameras at the Ecuadorean embassy, or even just by reading my rather careless tweets about it. The meetings took place in London. London iz ze kepital aff Grait Breettun. These facts are indisputable.
RT was the first global news channel to get a billion views on Youtube, already in 2013. It is blindingly obvious, therefore, that Russia hacked every Youtube user, because it is not blindingly obvious how else this many peeps could be gorging themselves on Russian propaganda without at least the benefit of horseradish and mustard. These facts are indisputable.
Alexei Gromov is indeed my contact in the Kremlin. Our meetings are not infrequent and sometimes involve adult beverages. I prefer German beer, while he is fond of Russian vodka. These facts are indisputable.
Once, Alexei, returning home from mushroom hunting in the forest, stopped by my home and left a basket of porcinis. You can confirm this by checking the security cameras of my village. Shortly after, an employee of the US Department of State visited me. You can check the same cameras to confirm this. I served fried porcinis to my guest, craftily claiming they are a traditional Russian delicacy. These facts are indisputable.
One year ago we made a video showing how after retiring, Obama and Kerry will end up watching RT at home, sobbing. You can see this video as it is public on an information network known as the internet. To reach it, you have to type the address into your browser, or click, that is, press on the button of your mouse on these words right here. These facts are indisputable.
And last but not least. At the age of 15, having neither contacts nor money, I studied in the US on a school exchange program paid for by US taxpayers. At that time, Donald Trump was already a significant taxpayer.
Draw your own conclusions.
