In what is being widely hailed as a diplomatic breakthrough in the two-tier, CIA-funded My Terrorist, My Friend Campaign (sort of), al Qaeda has agreed to affix Mr. Yuk-Yuk labels to all chemical weapons headed inbound to their North American terror cells.
Speaking upwind near their Somali chemical weapons factory, an al Qaeda spokesman announced, “As a token of goodwill to our new-found American partners in Syria, we want to give the American people a fighting chance when it comes to ID-ing sarin-filled suitcases, baby carriages and large brown envelopes left unattended in key America cities. While not a panacea aimed at entirely curbing our deadly mischief, we view it as a sporting good chance.” When queried if there even are al Qaeda cells in North America, the spokesman pulled his scarf tighter across his face and began singing battle songs in a loud voice tinged with malevolence and insurgent intent.
Fortunately more information was available at the al Qaeda Internet store. Mr. Yuk-Yuk labels will be prominently affixed to all packages. These labels will include a toll-free number serviced by Bangalore help desk employees trained in clipped English and panic-mitigation techniques.
All third-world terror locales will continue to be caught completely unawares via standard terrorist packaging. Paypal accepted.
Not all Americans are on-board however. In fact one petition is circling the nation right now which would designate Capitol Hill a Mr. Yuk-Yuk Free Zone. “Until they remove their exemptions from various labor, safety, health laws and freedom of information requests, they don’t deserve the Mr. Yuk-Yuk early alert courtesy,” huffed one irate citizen.
War weary, beleaguered and thoroughly confused the America populace counted to ten before throwing up its arms en masse. Said one mystified gentlemen at the side of the road, “I run a popsicle stand. So I guess I’ll wait for Senator Carl Levin to release a Powerpoint chart with a lot of lines going here, there and everywhere.”
One mother wailed, “My son died in Afghanistan in 2003 hunting al Qaeda terrorists. I only wish they’d had a similar visibility campaign for IEDs.”
Mr. Yuk-Yuk could not be reached for comment. However he reportedly was greener around the gills than usual, not to mention a tad nervous about his new responsibilities. His attorney did return our call however. “My client prefers hanging around lye, antifreeze and deadly pesticides under the sink. The notion of being discussed in the corridors of Capitol Hill is making him positively ill.”